![Man Detective, Light Skin Twemoji](/j-screenwriter-existence/attachments/thumbnail.svg) [Image credit: Twitter Twemoji](class:credit)


The private eye with a salt-and-pepper beard opened the door of the elementary school.

*Oh no,* thought Principal Balthazar who happened to be walking by. *A strange old guy walking around here during school hours? He better have a good reason.*

But Balthazar didn't let the disdain show on his face. "Howdy, I'm the principal here, how may I help you?"

The private eye raised an eyebrow which was mercifully all pepper and no salt. "My name is Malachite, PI."

Principal Balthazar ran his fingers across his cinnamon hair. "Oh my, why don't you come to my office?"

"Thanks," said Malachite. The private eye watched an italian-seasoning haired child suspiciously, then proceeded to follow the principal across the hall.

"So, what are you investigating?" Principal Balthazar asked. "A murder?"

"No," said Malachite, PI.

"Drugs?" asked Balthazar.

"No," said Malachite.

Balthazar lowered his voice to a whisper. "Misuse of government funds to pay for an affair with a librarian and a trip to Italy?"

"Nothing of the sort," said Malachite. "I'm investigating something far worse... copyright violations."

Balthazar let out a sigh of relief. "Oh thank goodness, I mean, how horrible."

"I believe one of your students has pirated a movie," said Malachite.

"Err - you'll have to be more specific than that," said Balthazar.

"The suspect seeded a torrent using the school computers, judging from the IP address. The torrent was downloaded a million times this week alone," said Malachite.

"Hold on, the government sent you for this?" asked Balthazar, raising a cinnamon eyebrow.

"I'm a private eye," explained Malachite. He took a swig of something normally not found on the grounds of an elementary school. "Sent by the screenwriters' guild."

"That's a bit suspicious," said Balthazar. "So you don't have a warrant or anything?"

Malachite questioned his existence for a moment before saying, "Nope, no warrant, you're totally free to deny me access to anything here."

"Yeah don't hit your door on the way out, pal," said Balthazar.

### Feedback from the Joy of Writing Group

+ Everyone recognized the salt-and-pepper hair from one of the other member's work
+ Might have misspoke, Malachite sounded like Malaki at some points
+ Unrealistically good school internet

### Notes

This was written in 15 minutes during a Joy of Writing meetup. It was intended as a parody of three other writers' crime stories.

"Screenwriter" was the initial word, but since it was deemed too specific, "existence" was provided as an alternative.